Помните детскую игру «Горячо-Холодно!»? Когда ведущий выходил за дверь, а все дружно придумывали какое-то действие, которое ведущий, вернувшись, должен был догадаться совершить по нашим подсказкам: соответственно «горячо» (когда он был близок к отгадке) или «холодно» (если он удалялся от правильного ответа)?
Как правило, любой из нас, хотя возможно и с разной скоростью, справлялся с поставленной задачей, догадавшись по нашим подсказкам о том действии, которое нужно было совершить.
Процесс воспитания ребенка чем-то похож на указанную игру. Мы хвалим ребенка, когда его поведение соответствует каким-то принятым в обществе, в семье и т.д. нормам, либо критикуем (не хочу писать ругаем!) его за те поступки, которые по нашему мнению или объективно расходятся с установленными стандартами. Так и растет человек, понимая, что такое хорошо и что такое плохо.
Таким образом,
основная задача похвалы и критики – это закрепить желательное поведение ребёнка либо, соответственно, устранить или откорректировать нежелательное.
А если так, то насколько слова «ты молодец», «ты хороший» или, наоборот, «ты остолоп», «ты безответственный» справляются с указанными задачами? Согласитесь, никак. Переход на личности ничего не может сказать ребенку о том поведении, которое нужно сохранить либо, наоборот, устранить.
И если с похвалой это не так страшно (да, похвалили, сказали ребенку «умница» и не суть важно, что он не понял за что и какое поведение нужно повторять и в будущем), то с критикой все гораздо опаснее (т.к. при этом мы не можем своими словами-оценками личности откорректировать нежелательное поведение ребенка, то точно можем навешать ярлыки на ребенка, которые он, возможно, пронесет через всю свою жизнь, и которые, вероятнее всего, отразятся на его самооценке).
Поэтому очень важно при оценке поведения ребенка фиксировать внимание именно на поведении, а не на самом ребенке. Хороший или плохой не ребёнок, а его поведение!
При этом очень важно отметить, что даже если мы концентрируемся на поведении, это тоже надо делать правильно.
Согласитесь, слова «ты плохо поступил» или «это был хороший поступок», хотя они и не концентрируются на личности, также не несут для ребенка никакой информации о том, что же именно надо повторить в будущем или, соответственно, повторять не стоит. Поэтому всегда важно концентрироваться на фактах. Помните, как в школе, учитель обязательно подчеркивает ошибки, когда ставит низкую оценку, чтобы было понятно, за что.
А значит, говорим:
не «ты плохо убрал в комнате» – а «посмотри, под столом еще остался мусор»,
не «хороший поступок» – а «как хорошо, что ты поделился с братом»,
не «ты безответственный» – а «ты не покормил сегодня собаку»,
не «ты молодец» – а «ой, какой ровный круг у тебя получился» и т.д.
А теперь еще раз вернемся к игре. Как вы думаете, как быстро ведущий отгадает задуманное, если кричать только «горячо» или только «холодно», и отгадает ли? Сложный вопрос, не так ли?
Так и в воспитании важен баланс. И одинаково неправильно как только критиковать, так и только хвалить ребенка. Все должно быть дозированно, при этом дозировки на вашей семейной кухне определяете только вы, как родитель. Главное – не переборщить!
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