Наблюдение без оценки – это высшая форма человеческого мышления.

Кришнамурти, индийский философ

Одним из залогов успешной коммуникации является наша способность высказывать максимально безоценочные суждения в процессе общения.

Безоценочно общаться – означает не приписывать личную точку зрения к поведению и личности другого человека. Мы просто констатируем факты, говоря о том, что видим, слышим, чувствуем.

Когда мы навешиваем «ярлыки», навязывая свое мнение собеседнику и выдавая его за «факт», мы разрушаем контакт между нами, так как оценка не допускает существование у собеседника другого мнения и взгляда на свою личность, свое поведение и ситуацию вообще. Кроме того, люди склонны видеть в оценочных суждениях критику, а значит могут противиться тому, что мы говорим. В результате наши слова могут спровоцировать конфликт.

Будучи скорыми на выставление оценок, мы отказываем себе в объективном восприятии реальности. При этом не думая о том, как смотрит на эту же реальность наш собеседник, не допуская и мысли, что он может оценивать ее абсолютно по-другому.

Сравните

Оценка

Безоценочное суждение

Ты плохой оратор. Я заметила, что ты все выступление читал по бумаге.
Ты слишком много говоришь. Ты говоришь уже 20 минут.
Ты должен это сделать Сделай это, если считаешь нужным.
Ему нет дела до благотворительности. Я уже 3 раза просил его выделить деньги на наш благотворительный проект, но он мне отказал.
Ты лентяй! За последнюю неделю ты ни разу не убрался в своей комнате!
Ты толстая, потому что много ешь мучного Сегодня за обедом ты съела 3 куска хлеба. А ты не пробовала уменьшить количество съеденного хлеба?
Что ты копаешься? Ты собираешься уже полчаса!
Что ты злая такая сегодня? Мне кажется, что ты не в настроении сегодня.
Ты молодец! Мне понравилось, как ты сегодня ответил на уроке.
Хорошо поработали! Мы уложились в срок и выполнили заказ без единой претензии со стороны заказчика.
Ты никогда мне не помогаешь! В последние 3 раза, когда я начинала убирать дом, ты отказался мне помочь.
Он редко звонит маме. Он звонит маме раз в месяц.
Как я позвоню, ты всегда занята! В последние 2 раза, когда я звонила тебе, ты говорила, что не можешь со мной говорить, т.к. была занята.

Если вы заметили по примерам, к оценочным суждениям я отнесла не только так сказать «отрицательные» суждения, но и «положительные» («Ты молодец»), а также вполне «нейтральные» («Хорошо поработали»). Потому что такие суждения ничего не говорят объективного о том, что есть или было, они выражают только наше мнение.

Конечно, если ваша цель просто дать оценку, то это ваш выбор, но если вы хотите закрепить соответствующие поведение собеседника, сделать так, чтобы он поступал соответствующим образом и дальше, то лучше назвать то, что он сделал и что вам понравилось, чем просто сказать «ты молодец!» и т.д.

Например, сравните

Оценка

Безоценочное суждение

Ты отличный муж. Спасибо, что выслушал меня, когда я пришла не в настроении после конфликта на работе.
Ты хороший мальчик. Как мне приятно видеть, что ты поделился угощением с братом.
Вы наш лучший сотрудник. За этот месяц на вас не поступало ни единой жалобы от наших клиентов.

Попробуйте попрактиковать безоценочные суждения в своей обычной жизни и посмотрите, как это повлияет на качество вашего общения с окружающими.

Если заметите, что сложно просто так отказаться от оценки, то используйте по максимуму такие слова как «мне кажется», «по мне», «я считаю», «мне показалось». Чтобы хоть немного смягчить то или иное суждение, дать ему прозвучать именно как вашей точке зрения, а не как факту. Личная точка зрения больше приглашает к дискуссии, а факт/однозначность суждения – к спору и защите оппонента. Хотя и здесь все очень индивидуально!

Сравните

Оценка Более мягкая оценка
Ты отличный танцор По мне, ты отлично танцуешь.
Ты лентяй. Мне кажется, ты ленишься.
Ты плохо поступил. Я считаю, что ты плохо поступил.

 

Ваша Лидия Спевак,

бизнес-тренер и коуч коммуникаций

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